Communication

This is a more personal piece than usual. It came early one morning as I was thinking about my mother on her birthday. I have been fortunate throughout my life to have family and friends who see me and love me. Some are still my dear and good friends while some have passed: my mother died in March 1981; good friends Mary Curran and Jean Westcott died in 2002 and 2008 respectively. An important teacher and mentor, Angeles Arrien passed unexpectedly in 2014. Each, in their ow

This is the final installment in a three-part series on curiosity. Today’s entry explores the role of curiosity at work and its relationship to organizational and group performance. In the  February 13 post  we investigated being curious internally, i.e., self-reflection. The  February 27 post  explored cultivating curiosity in others.  What does curiosity have to do with the performance of your team or organization? A lot, according to Adi Ignatius, editor in chief of the 

This is the second installment in a three-part series on curiosity. Today’s entry considers how to cultivate curiosity in others and in yourself about others. In the  Feb. 13 post  we investigated being curious internally, i.e., self-reflection. Finally, on March 13 we will explore the role of curiosity at work and its relationship to organizational and group performance. In a recent conversation with colleagues and former students, they wondered aloud about how, in difficul

This is the first installment in a three-part series on curiosity. Today’s post investigates being curious internally, i.e., introspection. February 27’s entry will consider how to cultivate curiosity in others and in yourself about others. Finally, on March 13 we will explore the role of curiosity at work and its relationship to organizational and group performance. What if the old proverb about curiosity killed the cat is wrong? What if it is  lack  of curiosity that kills

Life is a constant journey exploring the unknown. Despite our best attempts to hang onto certainty with plans, to-do lists, beliefs, and opinions, life remains impermanent, every changing and unpredictable. It seems to be even more so in this increasingly complex and interconnected world in which differences of all types present themselves to us every day at work, in the media, and in our communities. And, differences create disturbance. We have a choice. We can embrace dif

Conversations, aka meetings, are the sine qua non of organizations and communities. They are how things get done. “Is there anything that matters that isn’t done through conversations?” asks Steve Zaffron and Dave Logan, authors of The Three Laws of Performance . Planning, problem solving, policy setting, coaching or staying up-to-date with colleagues: all of these occur through conversations. In addition, meeting conversations feed into other ones. Managers develop a recomm

To begin 2018 I offer two pieces on how to counter talk that undercuts and damages our ability to interact in constructive ways. This first one considers how to stop toxic talk in the work place. The next one explores how to handle talk that cuts close to people’s core: degrading comments about race, ethnicity, gender, age and sexual orientation. I wish you a wonderful New Year, -Mary   “Public statements are not private,” asserts a respected colleague and friend, Ron White

I appreciate students and clients who, through their questions or disagreements, invite me to rethink and reconsider what I say and espouse. This happened recently after a two-day workshop on communication and meeting skills with the staff of a governmental agency. I had reviewed the Ladder of Inference to help people learn how to give effective feedback by separating observable behavior (what they see and hear, e.g., when you interrupt me) from inferences or judgments about

Setting ground rules or conversation guidelines seems to be the sine qua non of meetings these days. Having ground rules can create a safe space for people to interact, but they can also interfere with authentic conversation because people conflate safety with comfort. Is it possible to be both safe and uncomfortable? My husband and business partner Roger James and I believe it is and that it is essential to be able to be both safe and uncomfortable without reverting to self

I love good, big questions. When thoughtfully asked and open-heartedly and open-mindedly received, they evoke deep reflection, deeper than the everyday queries we ask ourselves such as what to have for lunch or when to convene a meeting. My questions tend to emerge during periods of quiet reflection or when I feel a sense of disquiet in my days. They also arise from curiosity and a desire for meaningful conversation, both with others and myself. Good, big questions interrupt

Sally, a small business owner, shares an idea with an employee, Joe, who furrows his brow as she speaks. Sally assumes that the young man is ready to criticize what she is saying and gets defensive. She begins to build a case in her mind about Joe. “He reacts negatively to any ideas I bring up about the business. I am the boss around here. He should just do what I tell him.” (In her upset, Sally forgot she was just exploring an idea.) It is only in a facilitated conversation

— Kurt Vonnegut When I asked a group of 50 members of the Silicon Valley Organization Development Network during my presentation in June about the role of good conversations in creating change, here is what some of them said: Encouraging collective wisdom to emerge Expanding knowledge and perspective Growing healthy relationships Creating something more than and beyond what each individual brings Creating a sense of shared ownership How might you and your meetings change fo

“Words are the finest invention that human beings have ever made. They build bridges and burn ‘em down. Glue or acid, that’s what the words you say will be.” So says Tyner, a character in Little Green , a novel by Walter Mosley . Think about your recent conversations. How many words used by you and others were glue and how many were acid? Bridge-building or glue words are ones that express caring, interest, and perspectives as points of view. They are also ones that seek to

A participant in a recent leadership workshop asked me an evocative question: “What is your favorite chapter in your book?”. Given that the workshop focused primarily on communication skills I referred her to Chapter 9 on Six Indispensable Communication Skills in Talk Matters! . But then I paused and realized that one of my favorite chapters is Chapter 1 in which I describe the propositions underlying the practices that are the focus of the book. “They are part of my world vi

This year I have the privilege of serving on the dissertation committee for Jen Mason, an engaging and highly competent graduate student conducting seminal research into “Mindfulness, Suspension and Learning in Multi-Stakeholder Groups” for her Ph.D. from Prescott College . I am grateful for this opportunity to reconsider the importance of “suspension” in productive dialogue and collaboration. I first encountered this idea while participating in a series of International Wom

“I am going to seek the great perhaps.” These were Francois Rablais’ last words according to his biographer Peter Anthony Motteux. Rabelais was a French renaissance writer, physician, humanist, monk and Greek scholar.* I sincerely hope that none of us have to wait until our final words to seek the great perhaps in our conversations. To me the “great perhaps” hints at what might be possible in the future, including when we engage in “good conversation.” Each of us is a part

I enjoy watching basketball, especially during the National Basketball Association (NBA) playoffs when the level of skill and teamwork approach their apex. The team that wins is usually the one that plays as a team instead of one in which one or two players hog the ball. Just as in conversation, individual skills matter but skill and teamwork matter more. Used in tandem, they raise everyone’s level of play. Certain individual skills increase teamwork on a basketball court,

This blog entry was originally posted on November 4, 2015. We think this skill is more important than ever. Listening (“Go-To” Skill #1) and asking questions of genuine curiosity (“Go-To” Skill # 2) are the keys to the kingdom of understanding and working well with others to solve tough issues. Without these two, we are stuck in the movie Groundhog Day, recreating the same conversation over and over again until we get it right. In  “Change Your Questions Change Your Life”  

This blog entry was originally posted on October 28, 2015. We think this skill is more important than ever. Listening is the most underutilized and essential element there is for meaningful conversation. It is good for whatever ails any meeting. Although it does not cure a common cold, it does prevent misunderstandings, strengthen relationships, and help people clarify their thinking. So, why don’t we listen more deeply and more often? Among many possible reasons, three stan

In the introduction to “How We Talk Matters," I wrote, “Our need to talk better together has never been greater.” Little did I know then how much more separated,  polarized, and combative we would become. My purpose then remains my purpose today: to provide inspiration, tips and tools to create constructive conversations about consequential questions. Please share this with anyone you think might be interested in helping all off us improve the tone and constructiveness of con